The Art of Drinking
This is a brutally honest, potty-mouthed, and unapologetic tribute to the great American past time of getting shitfaced drunk and making a complete fool of yourself. I stand firmly by the philosophy that free-flowing alcohol in your community is a by-product of freedom, individual liberty, and rebellion against tyranny
. Enforcers of prohibition
clearly hate freedom. They are out to destroy our way of life and they think they have the right to regulate our behavior. Well, fuck that! If you live in a dry county, I would suggest moving away from that godforsaken place as soon as possible.
. Enforcers of prohibition clearly hate freedom. They are out to destroy our way of life and they think they have the right to regulate our behavior. Well, fuck that! If you live in a dry county, I would suggest moving away from that godforsaken place as soon as possible.Creativity
The Elements of Art as Applied to Bartending
Experimentation with alcoholic beverages
can open up a dynamic new world of creativity and I can prove it in technical terms. The elements of art are listed below and can be directly applied to the creation and consumption of alcoholic beverages on any occasion, even if you think I'm completely full of shit. The elements may be considered throughout the duration of the party-throwing process or until you and your guests collectively stop giving a fuck. Whichever comes first.
The Elements of Art
are as follows:
Form:
Form is expressed when we decide how beverages will be presented and served. While it's appropriate to serve brandy in a snifter
, the whole thing loses its charm quickly when you put a crazy-straw in it. Be prepared to successfully manage the ingredients at hand and plan for variation. If you're into performance art, make sure your ceiling is vaulted high enough to accommodate keg-stands before proceeding, and be sure to keep an extra funnel on hand.
Line:
There are two very important lines to consider in the art of alcoholery. Line number one is the line for the bathroom. The rule of thumb for the bathroom is NO PASSING OUT ON THE FLOOR! When someone passes out on the bathroom floor, it holds up the line indefinitely and makes everyone uncomfortable. Work together to do the best you can to prevent this scenario from playing itself out. Line number two is the line in the kitchen. As your portfolio expands, you'll notice that the better you are at mixing cocktails
and making cheese balls, the longer the line in the kitchen will be and the less fun you will actually be having. You can save yourself by sticking to bucket-o-margarita, box-o-wine, and beer
.
Shape:
Two words - Jello Shooters
.
Color:
Do not EVER mix O.J. with Blue Curacao. I cannot stress this enough. Complementary colors look good on paper, but they are a disaster waiting to happen when united in boozy matrimony. You might as well just cut the middle-man, save yourself some grief, and pour them straight down the toilet.
Texture:
Layered shots
are the shit if you know how to pour them just right. Strong, light-density liquors can be layered on top of thicker density, weaker or non-alcoholic liquids like grenadine or half and half. Be sure to choose your flavors and colors wisely (see: Color). This element also speaks to the difference between a frozen Margarita and one served on the rocks (see: Form)
Space:
Where are you going with that keg? To the bathtub, of course! Clearly, there's no room in the fridge since it is full of bucket-o-margarita, box-o-wine, and Amazing, Life-Altering Cheese Ball!
Value:
Value is an expression of volume and is therefore directly related to the amount booze in question, how much money it is worth, and just who in the hell is going to be paying for it. Stay far, far away from this topic until it is resolved without you.
can open up a dynamic new world of creativity and I can prove it in technical terms. The elements of art are listed below and can be directly applied to the creation and consumption of alcoholic beverages on any occasion, even if you think I'm completely full of shit. The elements may be considered throughout the duration of the party-throwing process or until you and your guests collectively stop giving a fuck. Whichever comes first.The Elements of Art
are as follows:Form:
Form is expressed when we decide how beverages will be presented and served. While it's appropriate to serve brandy in a snifter
, the whole thing loses its charm quickly when you put a crazy-straw in it. Be prepared to successfully manage the ingredients at hand and plan for variation. If you're into performance art, make sure your ceiling is vaulted high enough to accommodate keg-stands before proceeding, and be sure to keep an extra funnel on hand.Line:
There are two very important lines to consider in the art of alcoholery. Line number one is the line for the bathroom. The rule of thumb for the bathroom is NO PASSING OUT ON THE FLOOR! When someone passes out on the bathroom floor, it holds up the line indefinitely and makes everyone uncomfortable. Work together to do the best you can to prevent this scenario from playing itself out. Line number two is the line in the kitchen. As your portfolio expands, you'll notice that the better you are at mixing cocktails
and making cheese balls, the longer the line in the kitchen will be and the less fun you will actually be having. You can save yourself by sticking to bucket-o-margarita, box-o-wine, and beer.Shape:
Two words - Jello Shooters
.Color:
Do not EVER mix O.J. with Blue Curacao. I cannot stress this enough. Complementary colors look good on paper, but they are a disaster waiting to happen when united in boozy matrimony. You might as well just cut the middle-man, save yourself some grief, and pour them straight down the toilet.
Texture:
Layered shots
are the shit if you know how to pour them just right. Strong, light-density liquors can be layered on top of thicker density, weaker or non-alcoholic liquids like grenadine or half and half. Be sure to choose your flavors and colors wisely (see: Color). This element also speaks to the difference between a frozen Margarita and one served on the rocks (see: Form)Space:
Where are you going with that keg? To the bathtub, of course! Clearly, there's no room in the fridge since it is full of bucket-o-margarita, box-o-wine, and Amazing, Life-Altering Cheese Ball!
Value:
Value is an expression of volume and is therefore directly related to the amount booze in question, how much money it is worth, and just who in the hell is going to be paying for it. Stay far, far away from this topic until it is resolved without you.
That Shit is Funny
And if You Don't Think So, You Can Kiss My Ass!
Alcohol makes it really easy to just cut loose along with making pretty much everything funnier. Laughter
is a release and so is telling someone to go to hell. It just "feels" good, especially if you've been drinking and especially if you can make everyone else in the room laugh at your victim's expense. If you ever find yourself in this scenario, it will more than likely be because booze was there. Take advantage of this opportunity. Don't let it pass you by. This rare occurrence has the potential to unwind at least a week's worth of stress in just minutes, possibly seconds if your system responds to gestures alone. We already know that stress
causes health problems, so drink up and just say "FUCK IT". It's a scientific fact that ones quality of life
goes up exponentially as soon as they stop giving a shit, so what are you waiting for?
is a release and so is telling someone to go to hell. It just "feels" good, especially if you've been drinking and especially if you can make everyone else in the room laugh at your victim's expense. If you ever find yourself in this scenario, it will more than likely be because booze was there. Take advantage of this opportunity. Don't let it pass you by. This rare occurrence has the potential to unwind at least a week's worth of stress in just minutes, possibly seconds if your system responds to gestures alone. We already know that stress causes health problems, so drink up and just say "FUCK IT". It's a scientific fact that ones quality of life goes up exponentially as soon as they stop giving a shit, so what are you waiting for? Caution + The Wind = Smooth Sailing
A Shot of Courage
Making friends, telling jokes
, quitting your job, getting naked, fighting, gambling
, showing your ass, dancing
, singing
, hot-tubbing, back-rubbing, biking, swimming, skating, cooking
, eating, acting, lying, pouting, smoking
, toking, flirting, cleaning, shopping - just to name a few - are all more fun when you get drunk
first. That's just the way it is. I don't make the rules.
, quitting your job, getting naked, fighting, gambling, showing your ass, dancing, singing, hot-tubbing, back-rubbing, biking, swimming, skating, cooking, eating, acting, lying, pouting, smoking, toking, flirting, cleaning, shopping - just to name a few - are all more fun when you get drunk first. That's just the way it is. I don't make the rules.Hard Liquor, Hard Lessons
Making it Count
Sometimes the consumption of alcoholic beverages is advantageous to the consumer when applied in an excessive manner or even taken to the extreme. Extreme intoxication can be an experience in which we learn lessons that we're likely to never forget, as opposed to something flaccid that we will never use, such as "the algebraic order of operations"
or "how to balance a checkbook". Real life lessons aren't taught in school. Instead, they are gleaned from first-hand experience.
Screwdrivered:
That night, I woke up on the hardwood floor while the party was still going on all around me. All I could see was shoes scuffling around my head and tapping to the beat. Head spinning, I ran to the kitchen sink and puked like a champ. Vile streams of vodka
and orange juice came spewing forth violently in a torrent of regret as the kitchen sector bore witness to my misfortune. They stood there in shock and concern, but they were thankful. They were thankful because I had not puked on their shoes and in spite of my weakened condition, I had maintained the presence of mind to make it all the way into the kitchen as soon as it became clear to me that the bathroom was occupied. I had averted a party foul
of the very worst kind, which can trigger a chain-reaction. They praised me for not fouling and they offered me assistance. Now, I know what you must be thinking. How can any of this, in any way at all, be a good thing? It was beneficial to me because I learned a very important lesson that night and I never drank screwdrivers
again. If you put some peach schnapps in that shit and call it a fuzzy navel
, I'll drink it. That's a different story. But never again will I drink something that's named after a tool, and that's something I can take to the bank
.
or "how to balance a checkbook". Real life lessons aren't taught in school. Instead, they are gleaned from first-hand experience.Screwdrivered:
That night, I woke up on the hardwood floor while the party was still going on all around me. All I could see was shoes scuffling around my head and tapping to the beat. Head spinning, I ran to the kitchen sink and puked like a champ. Vile streams of vodka
and orange juice came spewing forth violently in a torrent of regret as the kitchen sector bore witness to my misfortune. They stood there in shock and concern, but they were thankful. They were thankful because I had not puked on their shoes and in spite of my weakened condition, I had maintained the presence of mind to make it all the way into the kitchen as soon as it became clear to me that the bathroom was occupied. I had averted a party foul of the very worst kind, which can trigger a chain-reaction. They praised me for not fouling and they offered me assistance. Now, I know what you must be thinking. How can any of this, in any way at all, be a good thing? It was beneficial to me because I learned a very important lesson that night and I never drank screwdrivers again. If you put some peach schnapps in that shit and call it a fuzzy navel, I'll drink it. That's a different story. But never again will I drink something that's named after a tool, and that's something I can take to the bank.